A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog
A man
runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The
vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down
on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells
the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated
and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the
cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at
the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but
the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too,"
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet
brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is
dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650
Cold Water Clean
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that
looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE
ME!!!'
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
What has four legs and an arm?
A Happy Pit Bull.
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Psychic Frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
Whales
Two whales
were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male
suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over
with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went
along with it.
Then, he said," since that was so much fun,
let's go back and eat the sailors!" To which, she exclaimed, "I went
along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to
eat seamen, too."
Pet Monkey
A guy
walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks
the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table,"
says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because
he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his
drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and
the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the
grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his
ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Calling in Sick...A Cat Owner's Story...
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one
occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to
humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I
would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt.
I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident
occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she
hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know
where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in? "
Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about
how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who
suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by
watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or
explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are
over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal,
and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of
my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence
but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It
is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning,
without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing
playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She
("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their
masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not
even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting
the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step
procedure.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight" syndrome; men,
in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight
up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape,
I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to
conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried
to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had
only known
